rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
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Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now