*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.