DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
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doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.