Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
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I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
This is a bad idea on so many levels.