The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
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Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Wait for it
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
why would tinder want me to say this
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.