That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
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Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?