Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
You Might Also Like
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.