Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
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Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted