ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
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“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
San Francisco has too many rules
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.