History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
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I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles