My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
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Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”