therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
You Might Also Like
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.