Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
This is my emotional support knife.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”