I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
my professor scared me for a second
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
CRYING