“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
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‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.