My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
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10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.