my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”