100% of divorces begin with marriage.
You Might Also Like
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes