So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
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PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack