I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.