Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
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Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
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M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.