[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
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If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Just as the prophecy foretold
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP