Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Ain’t no way
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”