[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers