My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
become ungovernable
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.