“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself