blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
*me flirting
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough