[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Dietest Coke
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?