Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
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Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Have a lovely day 😊
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year