NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
my dad has had enough
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Very problematic
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs