I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
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One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough