i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
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Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.