Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.