*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
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Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
This meeting could have been a cake
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER