My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.