I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
fixed it
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Wise advice
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.