Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
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I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
If you鈥檙e the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: I鈥檓 going to shower
6: you鈥檙e beautiful! You don鈥檛 need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 馃槏
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor鈥檚.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I鈥檝e been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater