My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
You Might Also Like
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents