lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.