Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario