Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Seems kinda suspicious
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her: