Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
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I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.