Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”