waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
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Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.