i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
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Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
*limbos away from your hug*
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach