Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.