Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Not recommended for beginners.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.