this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
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People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume