Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
You Might Also Like
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”