I was up all night reading about insomnia
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‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
According to math, I’m broke
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.